Walking in the Eye of the Storm With My Son
The best thing about a new year is that it’s like a reset button, you get to start anew. I’m happy that I am not looking back at last year with resentment or anger. As the saying goes, “I can be bitter or I can be better”. I know I made mistakes, missed some steps and pretty much didn’t live up to my words.
I can’t help but reflect on how much I learned in in a year. It was a year of surprises, joy, pain, and grief.
The year was difficult for my oldest son and I felt helpless because I didn’t know how to help him. If you’ve ever had to deal with a child’s depression, then you know how many sleepless nights and restless days I had. I worried about him whenever he was not in my presence and I worried about what he might do if I wasn’t around. I wanted to save him but didn’t know how. On top of all of this, my husband had just returned from his third deployment and shortly after my father passed away. It didn’t make for a peaceful life or home.
Every time I prayed to God to relieve my son of his pain and relieve me of my worry, the problem intensified. Therapy helped but there was still that nagging feeling that all was not well. I finally learned that it wasn’t my stubbornness or resistance to let go of control that was the problem, it was my refusal to take the journey with my son. It was my fear of walking through his pain, my fear of facing his daily emotional anguish, my fear of seeing the world through his eyes. I was so afraid of my son’s pain that I wanted to move past it instead of live through it.
God didn’t let me off that easy. I had to take the journey with my son in order to understand his pain and to get him the help he needed. Fortunately, God took the journey with both of us and showed us the way.
I can’t say that I don’t worry about my son anymore or that the fear doesn’t creep up on me whenever I see him sad.
Although he’s much better now, I still check in to make sure he’s ok. I have to take that journey with him as often as he needs me to.
I pray that God gives me the strength to make the right decisions, be more patient, and to trust my instincts. I’m sure I’ll fumble through 2013 too, but I’ll emerge a better and stronger mom as a result of it.