Tag Archives: mother son relationships
As parents, there are times when we are so busy trying to raise a good kid we lose sight of the power of our daily interactions with our kids. We forget that they watch us and learn by our example.
1.Nagging– If you’re nagging someone, you know it. I know when I’m being a nag and I even annoy myself. Nagging doesn’t motivate, empower or encourage anyone to do what you want. It’s a waste of energy and it creates more conflict.
2. Pessimism-If you focus on the negative events in your life, you are not in the position to embrace what’s good in your life. Being a negative person damages relationships and is detrimental to your emotional and physical well-being.
3. Worrying-Of course you are, you’re a mom! However, worrying about every little detail, sniffle and scrape will make your son an anxious child. Constant worrying only leads to fear filled thoughts.
4. Anger-Do you blow up for any little minor infraction? Deal with your anger issues. Your son shouldn’t have to be on the receiving end of your anger.
5. Passive-Aggressiveness-You’re still an angry person, you just manage to pretend you’re not angry. Being passive-aggressive is a weak excuse for not addressing challenges or conflicts in your relationships. Giving your son the silent treatment doesn’t teach him how to properly deal with conflicts.
6. Being Over-Indulgent– Whether it’s overspending or overeating,anything in excess is not good for you. Kids need structure. Too much of a good thing can be bad. Set limits and enforce rules.
7. Distress-There is good and bad stress. Good stress intrinsically motivates us to persevere. Bad stress robs us of our health. Kids pick up on their parents stress levels. Do your best to find techniques to deal with the stress in your life.
8. Ignoring Depression-Depression is a debilitating disease. Unfortunately, too many moms don’t address or properly deal with depression. We choose to ignore or dismiss our depression as “the blues” or occasional sadness. Break the cycle of depression by getting the help you need.
Sometimes we allow the situations in our lives to control or dictate how we behave. Making a conscious decision to be aware of your actions and behavior will help you to be the example of social and emotional wellness for your son.
Okay, now I have your attention. It isn’t fair for me to say he might resent you as an adult and spend money and hours with a therapist who will trace all his problems back to you. I’m kidding. As mothers, isn’t one of our biggest fears that somehow despite all we do for our sons, we still will manage to screw them up. No one handed us an individualized manual right after giving birth, so we can only learn through trial and error. There is a delicate balance between nurturing and tough love and sometimes we get it right and other times we slip up. Whoever said that raising boys is easy, never raised a boy. Here are 5 things to take into consideration:
1) You Don’t Set Boundaries-In other words, don’t be a doormat! Let him know when he’s overstepping your boundaries or making unreasonable requests. If you lie for your son or are constantly coming to his rescue, you may have a boundary issue with him. As I mentioned in a previous post, don’t be The Giving Tree.
Why your son might resent you because of this: He will expect other people, including his wife or significant other, to bend over backwards for him. You are raising him to be the type of man who is selfish, demanding and emotionally draining. When he meets people who will not put up with his crap, he’ll come running to you to do things for him and probably blame you for how others treat him.
2) You Coddle Him-No one likes a slacker. If you’ve been making excuses for your son since he was a toddler, stop. There’s nothing worse than a mom telling people that her son will find his way in life and he’s 35 years old. Motivate your son and encourage him to do his best. Don’t allow your son to settle for less because you’re afraid of pushing him. A little nudge goes a long way. Don’t make excuses for him and enable him by allowing him to skate through life.
Why your son might resent you because of this: He will have very little motivation in life and will probably live at home with you until he puts you in a nursing home. He won’t be able to hold a job and has no real skills. He’ll wish he took advantage of more in life when he was younger and again will blame you for his lack of direction in life.
3) You’re Overbearing– If you believe being emotionally manipulative is going to win you points with your son, you’re wrong. Being critical and judgmental chips away at your son’s self esteem. Give him room to make mistakes and learn on his own. Let him develop critical thinking skills without you always telling him what and how to think.
Why your son might resent you because of this: He’ll be insecure, have low self-worth and doubt his abilities. He will also be performance driven and try to win the approval of others in his life. He’ll always feel inadequate and again will trace the problem back to you. Are you beginning to see a pattern here?
4)You’re Too Permissive or Too Strict-As I mentioned before, you have to be balanced in your parenting. Giving your son too much or not enough freedom will only have him harbor animosity toward you. Children need guidelines and rules. However, they have to be fair and realistic. You can’t shelter your son, nor should you let him have free rein. Talk to him about your expectations and allow him to share his thoughts and opinion. Be practical and consult with other parents to determine if your rules are too rigid or too lax.
Why your son might resent you because of this: If you’re too strict, he’ll feel like you did not allow him to have fun in life and deprived him of a childhood. If you are too permissive, he’ll think you didn’t care about him or his well-being.
5)You Emasculate, Degrade or Complain About Men-Have you forgotten you’re raising a boy? The last thing your son needs to hear are that men are unreliable, irresponsible and incompetent. Even if you’re not saying it to him, if he overhears you, he’ll think that’s your opinion of him. Be careful making generalized statements about both genders. He is learning about himself and the opposite sex based on what you are teaching him.
Why your son might resent you because of this: He may question your real feelings about him and believe that your opinions of men are true.
There’s no perfect science to raising boys. All you can do is be more aware that your words, action and behavior affect your son and impact him for the rest of his life.